Inspire Me Forever

A record of everything and anything that inspires me

Category: Uncategorized

The fat best friend

I’ve realized something for a while now about myself. I’m that fat best friend. I’m the girl in the romantic comedy who is less pretty than the main character and is there to listen to the hot main character when she breaks up with her hot boyfriend, who is there when the hot girl finally gets back with her prince charming and is there when they get married acting all fucking happy.While in reality she’s probably really thinking “haha, yes I am holding your fucking bouquet, I am sooooo fucking happy that you found your prince charming and that you are gorgeous and have fallen love, while I am this fat slob standing beside you and I haven’t found ANYONE! Yes I am so fucking happy for you and I am going to stand here with a big ass fake smile on my face as if I am reaaaallly happy.”

Ya, I’m that girl.

It has been a thought in my head for some time now. I really am that fucking slightly less attractive best friend! And I swore to myself that I would be the main character of my own life movie. Well…it isn’t fucking working. I am still single, slightly overweight and getting more bitter and cynical by the second.

Can I set the scene for you? It was something out of a fucking move I swear.

Setting: trashy club, everyone drunk, dark good music playing

Me: standing from afar watching S chat up some girl. I could see him clearly and my stomach fell to my knees. It was basically the worst case scenario. And the fucked up part was that I HELPED HIM HOOK UP? How fucked is that? How fucking fucked is that?!?!?!?!?!?! I could litereally feel myself shrinking from the whole room and I had like a telescope just on him. It was horrible.

I could kick myself in the vagina. wtf is wrong with me?

Even more fucked…As I was chatting to this girl and her friend I was totally chatting up S. As if I didn’t give a care in the world if they hooked up. As if I didn’t care for him, or wanted him to kiss me, or care for me the way I care for him. As if I dind’t care that he was into this girl who was really less attractive than me.

Cut to 4 am in the morning. I have just left the club, I left S and the fat bitch (o.k not really, but she was fatter than me) knowing full well they are going to hook up. It’s raining and I walk home alone at 4am in the morning. Can you picture this scene? Like honestly it is something out of a movie. I was sobbing down the street and didn’t give a fat fuck who heard or saw me. While all this is happening, it’s like a movie reel in my mind is playing. CUt to an hour later of crying and walking I sit at the town hall and cry some more. OH! and before that I stop for shelter at a random house, and stand under their balcony. The man comes out and asks if he can do anything. How embarrassing. But at the time I didn’t give a fuck.and to be honest, I still don’t give a fuck.

I hate that I am this girl. I have always despised girls like this, who pine after someone who doesn’t want them. I mean what is the point? The sickening part is, is that I knew all along that he wasn’t into me. The reality is, is that he doesn’t have any friends and is just using me b/c I know where things are and am willing to hang out with him. He doens’t give a fuck about me.

But I do care about him. even still. after all this.

I don’t think I can be his friend.

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How do you get used to saying goodbye?

Livng abroad and exploring a new city has been one of the most inspiring and confidence building things I have ever done. Getting out of my comfort zone is exactly what I needed. Looking back, I see now that I was truly unhappy but dind’t realize it at the time. My actions and reactions to situations were all a result of my inner unhappiness. I felt trapped and at a standstill. Despite the personal growth that I have observed in myself, the new experiences and people I’ve met and my new job there is one major negative about this whole “traveler abroad” lifestyle…goodbyes.

Does anyone ever get used to saying goodbyes? I think so. I’ve seen it. I see people around me who seamlessly and easily say goodbye to their good friends. And these goodbye are often forever goodbyes or “see you when I see you” goodbyes. How do they do it? How do they effortlessly put these people out of their minds knowing that the shared experiences they had together will become a distant memory soon. It hurts me everytime.

I have never been the type of person who does well with saying goodbyes. In elementary school I hung onto my friends for as long as I could-I knew we would stand the test of time (we didn’t really). I hung on until I felt them struggling to get away, with their new friends, new life. I was left out of their new life, but that was o.k I also started my new life.

Fast forward to where I am today and goodbyes haven’t gotten any easier. Travelling and living abroad unite people who are doing the same thing! Which is wonderful. There is a travler bond, and international club where we stick together. it’s one of the best aspects of this whole she-bang. The downside-saying goodbye to these people who have helped to shape your expriences in a new country, who you depended on like family through different experiences, ups and downs. How do you say goodbye to someone who you shared secrets with that you probably haven’t told people back home (anonymity of traveling is also a bonus!). How do you say goodbye to someone who you know you may not ever really see again, or may not ever have this same moment being together abroad in this exact experience ever again.

I have always been a thinker. An internal person. So maybe I am blowing things out of proportion. Maybe I just need to get used to goodbyes and suck it up. But I don’t realy want to get used to saying goodbye. I don’t want to become one of those people I see so often who have become accustomed to goodbyes. Where friendships are a dime a dozen and moving onto another friend is easy as pie…or perhaps they have it right. Maybe that is how we can protect ourself from the stinging of forever goodbyes.

It not even the goodbye to the individuals that is heartbreaking. But more the goodbye to this moment in time, this exact moment in time where you share each other’s lives, friends and moments. Knowing that it will never be the same is heartbreaking.

Tell me how does one get used to goodbyes? Because I haven’t figured it out.

Louise Walker

Beautiful photographer. Check her out.

http://sincerelylouise.blogspot.com.au/

Margaret

It’s amazing what one can find when procrastinating…

I came across two films that I MUST see once I have more time. The first, is called Margaret. I read about this in the Melbourne newspaper (The Age) and apparently this was originally filled 7 years ago! Some big names grace this film including (CANADIAN, WUT UP!) Anna Paquin, Mark Ruffalo, Matt Damon and Matthew Broderick! It looks like an amazing film, one where it will make me think and cry and laugh and leave the theatre feeling confused and possibly very unsatisfied-satisfied.

The second movie is called Take this Waltz, written and directed by Sarah Polly apparently (Canada’s sweetheart). And bonus…FILMED IN TDOT! amazing. Stars Michelle Williams and Seth Rogan, which in my mind is the most perfect couple ever! Can’t wait to watch it.

What they don’t tell you

I’m in my last haul for my Masters and I may be thoroughly screwed with an impending deadline this Friday. Yet here I sit perusing facebook and The Star (Toronto newspaper) and as of right now writing in this blog that no one reads.

While again procrastinating (I think I have a real problem) I came across an article in The Star that mentioned a book called 10 1/2 Things No Commencement Speaker Has Ever Said by Charles Wheelan. It made me think back to my graduation. To be honest I don’t even remember who spoke at mine, nor do I remember anything spectacular about it; no memorable moments during the speech. I do remember being excited to take my photo once the ceremony was over. This article mentioned this book which is chock full of advice that no one ever tells graduating students! I can’t wait to get my hands on this gem. It’s always what people don’t tell you that is truly important.

I could use a bit of advice at the moment. As I near the completion of my masters I still feel as if I haven’t found my passion. I suppose some people go through life not having a passion, and that’s o.k. But I really want one!!! (in a whinging voice). I want to be inspired when I wake up and go to work. I don’t want a feeling of dread. Perhaps in this book that’s what they will tell me-that sometimes it’s o.k not to find your passion and instead, it’s more important to find something that you are good at? But again, I’m still not quite sure what I am good at…

Once

Came across this docu while watching two lovely little girls singing The Swell Season’s song-When your minds made up. I will admit my ignorance. I have never heard of this docu or these singer/song writers. Apparently this docu has received amazing reviews and it something that I want to watch definitely. The only problem is that right now I am in the midst of finishing my masters. While procrastinating for about an hour and half now this song definitely made me nostalgic, sad, peaceful and calm. When I have more time I will watch Once and their other docu The Swell Season.

Picture Perfect

I have been in love with a photographer for a few years now. He is a fashion photo god and does the most fantastical photography I have ever seen. I’m sure many people have already heard of him. His name is Tim Walker. I stumbled across his work one day after watching The September Issue. Absolutely stunning! Check out his genius here

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How perfect is this miso soup? Didn’t last long I’ll tell you that. My favorite sushi restaraunt in Toronto is sushi xtra. Yum!

I love this…

Inspiring India!

I don’t know anyone who has traveled to India and has thought, you know…it sucked. If you ever get a chance GO! If you go, keep an open mind and don’t judge. If you judge you will miss out on everything India is trying to show you.

I was lucky enough to get the chance to go to India. I spent some time in Mumbai, a smalle town called Jamkhed and Delhi. All very different places. The people of India are beautiful. Rather, I should say the women of India are beautiful. It was stunning and a photographers dream! The bright colours of the saris and salwar chalmises against the dull brown/grey of the dusty roads and buildings was beautiful.

I wasn’t in India long enough to make a solid interpretation of the country. However, I was debating whether one can even come to a solid conclusion of India. India has so many extremes and then there is everything in between. You think you’ve got India down packed, but then you’ll see, hear or smell something and your impressions of the country are changed.

I know what I’ve seen in India will stay with me forever and inspire me to not only be a better person but to try and remember that what may seem like a huge problem to me is inconsequential to what some women of India have to face. Nevertheless, they smile, they laugh and they raise beautiful children. They take care of their families and in rural areas their entire villages. Women are the backbone of India and are what make that country so beautiful and worth returning to. I hope that when I return the treatment of the mothers, wives, sisters and daughter of India will have more rights and be treated with more respect.

For now I leave you with some beautiful photos I was able to take and ones that inspire me every time I look at them.

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